by Frank Rodgers

Me and Kevin.

If you saw one of us, you saw all three of us. If one was in trouble, all were in trouble. Each of us had our little "thing" we were known for:

Kevin: A crazy motherfucker. Would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for any reason. One year at the Ranger Ball it was raining. Kevin was so pissed at this, he was outside hanging from a light pole in his Class A uniform screaming at the sky "THE RAIN GOD IS A FUCKING PUSSY!!!" Kevin was wild. Oh yeah...Kevin's cousin is [Slut], a legitimate Porn Star. We loved Slut.

Me: Brooder. I'm a big guy. I admit it. Some men are runners, some are jumpers, I'm a humper. You put a 80lb ruck on me, load me up with ammo, and I will walk. I'm the fucking energizer bunny. I will walk from heaven to hell if they tell me to. I got in trouble once for scalping a guy. No shit, really scalping him. That's another story though.

The 75th Ranger Regiment is the premiere shock force for the United States Army. We specialize in Airfield Seizures, and are skilled in Demolitions, CQB, Infantry tactics, and general carnage and mayhem. We love it. We are also the most regimented and strict unit in the Army. Special Forces is laid back. Delta Force are the Jedi. The Rangers are the hyperactive demon seed. Part of our mission is to provide security for Delta during wartime.

Any time we would work with Delta, Kevin was over there, learning as much as he could from their Demo guys. It got so that they considered him a mascot. Kevin was one of the best Demo guys I've ever seen. He wound up inventing his own products for the job. One thing Kevin loved more than that though, were practical jokes.

Kevin loved making bombs out of anything. Not REAL bombs mind you--just ones that beeped at you, or threw powder on you, or gave you a piece of paper that said "You got blown the fuck up." He was relentless, and we all became paranoid around him.

One day we had a standard Class A inspection, which means that the head honchoes of the company come around and check everything out. The CO and 1SG come to Kevin's room. They open his drawers up and see socks. Rolled 1 inch. One of his socks though, is rolled different. The 1SG takes the sock and unrolls it... knowing that sloppiness is the WRONG thing to be in the Army.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

A flash goes off, and what was a sock is now a wailing siren. Kevin's Bomb.

The 1SG is not amused. He orders Kevin to stop making the annoying bombs.

He opens another drawer and sees a toothbrush case. He goes to move it, sets off a trip, and a flare pops. Another Bomb.

1SG is getting madder and madder. He opens another drawer. Nothing. We breathe a sigh of relief. Rooting through his wall locker, they find the makings of 5 more bombs. Some bb's, a trip flare, and a flashlight. All those things get thrown on the bed. The 1SG picks up the flashlight to peer under Kevin's bed.

*BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM*

A firecracker. The flashlight was a booby-trap.

1SG "GOD DAMMIT RANGER!!! I'm SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!"

I am giggling. Kevin is not smiling on the outside, but you know he's pissing himself on the inside, he's laughing so hard. 1SG throws the flashlight against the wall. Picks up Kevin's canteen and makes someone else open it. Nothing. No trap. Makes someone else search the rest of the room. Nada.

Before leaving the room, the CO spots Kevin's copy of Mein Kampf.

CO "Holy fuckin dogshit. What is this fuckin commie bullshit? You learning to be a fucking ARYAN Ranger KEVIN???"

The CO is not amused. He is mad, and wants Kevin's ass.

CO "Let's just read a passage from your book here."

Bad move.

Time slows down.

I know it's coming.

Kevin knows it's coming

The CO realizes too late what he's done.

oh no.....oh god no... oh sweet jesus no...

*FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF*

Powder. Everywhere. White powder. All over the CO's uniform. His Black Beret is now White. The book had been hollowed out and replaced with a bomb. The room is white. A blur. The CO stands there like some white ghost. The 1SG is in utter disbelief. We've gone too far. We wait for the axe to fall.

[Some back story: 2 months earlier, there was a BB gun fight in the barracks. Kevin and another Sergeant versus me and a couple other Rangers. We're shooting each other. Sarn't Where, of Sniper Section, is in on it. He's making killer shots from 50 meters. I'm hit in the leg and DAMN it hurts.

The 1SG walked in and announces the next one to shoot will get a counseling statement. Kevin shoots the 1SG. The 1SG picks up a BB gun and returns fire. From there carnage ensued. It was a great battle, and everyone loved it. From then on, the 1SG always tried to get Kevin back and vice versa. The bomb in the book was meant for him. It got the Captain instead.]

The Captain was so pissed off he left. No more inspection. We are all fucked. The 1SG knows it's his ass, but he goes to make the peace. The word comes back: "No more bombs from anyone." That's fine, we don't want to die at 22 years of age.

2 days later, the 1SG is in his office and Kevin is cleaning it as part of his punishment. The 1SG is making a presentation for a briefing we're going to have. He picks up a dry-erase marker and un-caps it.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

Another bomb. Kevin had forgotten about it.

We wound up driving that man crazy. He got so bad, he'd shake whenever he came near our gear. Kevin stopped making bombs and leaving them around, but the 1SG didn't trust any of us after that. Kevin was taken off the Breaching Team. We had to hide out for 6 months because any minor infraction would have landed us at the door to the company, on the way out of the 75th.

We were cool after that, but Kevin's status became legendary. He only stayed in Battalion for another 10 months after that and left, but he is still fondly remembered. I talk to him often, and we reminisce about the old days. Life was fun.

Where else can you blow up your comrades and they laugh with you? Well, except the Captain.