by Frank Rodgers


It's a hot spring day in Georgia. Ft. Benning can get to well over 100 in the summer, and in the spring it's a cool day if it's 85 degrees. I'd been in the Ranger Battalion for nearly a month, and although I didn't have the hang of the place yet, I figured I was doing pretty well.

We were doing our bi-monthly road march. Once/twice a month or more (usually MORE) we would ruck up, grab our gear, and start humping (walking, you perverts). 10 miles, no sweat. 20 Miles, better yet, 30 miles... goin strong, 35 miles... won't be long. In the Ranger Bn, your feet are your main method of transportation. All the shit you see on TV with guys ZOOMING in on a little bird and jumping out wearing black nomex and carrying MP5's with balaclava's and spraying a room full of cardoard tangos is just Hollywood. Yeah, we could do it, yeah I've flown in my share of birds... but I usually WALKED everywhere. If I wasn't walkin, I was runnin.

So, by the end of our 40 mile ruck march I am dog tired and bone dry. All I can think about is getting OUT of this fucking sweaty-ass uniform... popping in a fresh dip, and gulping down enough icy cold beer to kill a small blue whale.

When I was done with the march I threw off my Wart (rucksack), and flopped down under a tree. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that feels goooooood. No weight on my feet, my back is tight, but no more gear on it. My arms, now rubbery from carrying my SAW and 800+ rounds of ammo for it, are lying by my sides limply. I have to piss, but I'm so tired, I consider just pissing myself right there, and throwing all my clothes in my laundry bag and giving 'em to the Korean lady who works at the cleaners. She hates me anyways and can't get enough starch in my Trees (cammies) when I'm paying for it, so she'll get a nice piss-filled surprise today. I smile as I can almost hear her saying "Yoo steenky. Yo no poot pee-pee in yoo crothes... yoo bad boy!"

Hey... my ass is getting warm. What the fuck? Am I sitting on a frying pan? Hey dammit... now my legs are getting warm. I'm not even pissing yet so what the hell is this? Hey God-DAMMIT... now my stomach and back are getting fucking hot. Am I under a fucking magnifying glass that some Giant is using to fry me with? What the fuck is going on here?

OWTCH GOD DAMMIT!!! MOTHER-FUCKER!!! God-damn FIRE ANTS!!! HEEELLLLLP!!! I'm literally sliding my ass in circles and rolling around on the ground in pain while the nasty little beasties inform me of their displeasure at my sitting directly on their nest. I am now covered in thousands of little red fire-ants, each one giving a bite that feels like a lit cigarette is being held to my skin.

"HELLLLP!!! Someone HELP ME!!!! I'm getting fucking bitten by Satan's insects of DEATH!!! HEEEELLLLP!!!!"

I scream as I writhe on the ground in agony. My teammates take one look at me and either start laughing their asses off at my predicament or start cringing because they too have done the exact same thing I've done. I'm not near a lake, so I can't drown 'em.

So instead, my buds do the next best thing. They all upend their canteens on me. So, now I'm drenched in water, the little fire-ants are even MORE pissed at me and biting me harder, I've stopped needing to piss because in my agony I have urinated all over myself (by the way, salty piss doesn't feel good when it covers ant bites. Just thought you should know that.) I am going to die, and it's all because of some fucking little bugs with no brain and an attitude.

Eventually, I was freed from the ants. I'd love to say that it was my one and only time I've had a run-in with Fire Ants, but it wasn't.

Another time, it was a hot day. I was watching a little red ant/wasp/beetle thingy (I swear, it looked like all three rolled into one) walk across the ground. I'm bored, and doing something to this bug will amuse me. I take a mouthfull of water and spit it on the bug, expecting to see it wiggle around and splash for freedom in my little puddle of saliva water.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!!!!*

The little bug fucking reared up on its hind legs and looked at me, and fucking screamed at me. Holy SHIT!!! A fucking bug is screaming when I pour water on it. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen! I spit more water on it, and it announces its displeasure at me again, only THIS time it sprouts wings from somewhere and flies right at me. Mad.

I did what any other bad-ass Ranger would do in this situation. I screamed like a little girl and took off running.

It stings me. Or bites me, whatever--and it HURT. I'm angry now at this little hybrid insect. I want revenge. I fill my mouth again and BLAST a gob of water on it. This time, as it rears up to screech at me, I SLAMMED my canteen down on it, crushing his little body. THAT'LL teach you to fuck with ME you little bug.

I pick up my canteen again, and promptly get stung again. By the screaming bug. Apparantly, it's exoskeleton is made of titanium. I'm mad, hurt, and intrigued, all rolled into one. I start slamming my canteen on it over, and over, and over again.

IT WON'T DIE!!!

I crush it with my boot by jumping up and down on it. It finally dies, but leaves this horrible stink, like deer-guts when you first field dress them. That was one bad-ass bug.

I got farted on by a stinkbug once. Little bastid actually turned his ass towards me and *PFFFT* blew a number 9 at me.

Had a dung beetle roll a nice fresh piece of poop right across my plate during chow time once too.

Been stung, bit, shit on, farted at, screamed at, and anything else you can think of, by the smallest things in nature. God must've made those fucked-up bugs on the same day he made the Platypus. The dude definately has a weird sense of humor.