by Satan's Little Helper

We conducted some ungodly movement one night, for many, many miles, and set up a patrol base in a low lying piece of terrain somewhere in Ft. Benning.

I was very new in Ranger Battalion, only my second or third training exercise. I wasn't accustomed to the lack of sleep typical for how my unit operated, nor was I very savvy with field craft and tricks of the trade when in the woods. I was only 18 at the time, fresh out of indoctrination. And high school, for that matter.

I was smoked, and laying behind my SAW (light machine gun) dozing away. At some point in time I passed the fuck out, and obviously nobody was noticing. My position was right next to a big burned out tree overlooking a light increase in elevation leading up to the ridgeline of a hill.

We're tactical, meaning you have to be quiet, watch your sectors of fire, and pay attention to what's going on. The leaders were in the middle of the patrol base planning future operations.

So there I lay, snoozing quietly behind my SAW. I don't remember dozing off, but I definitely remember being propelled back into the land of consciousness like a JDAM hitting an Iraqi bunker. My eyes sprung WIDE open. I was a bit confused at first, thinking perhaps I'd been brought back from an awful nightmare, but unfortunately, the pain and sheer horror had followed was not a dream.

The head of my cock felt as if it was on fire. I mean like a cigarette lighter flame on the head of my dick. It hurt and burned unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

I've been stabbed. I've broken bones. I've had parachute malfunctions and I've landed in trees and I was hit by a car as a child. Nothing compared. NOTHING.

I shot straight up into the air. I swear I broke a vertical leap record. I instantly started screaming and tearing off my clothing. I was screaming like a rabbit caught in a trap, high pitched and loud.

Well naturally, in a tactical situation, this draws a bit of attention to oneself. Onslaughts of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" followed, but oh no, I wasn't about to shut up. My dick was on fire and no amount of persuasion would reduce my horror or announcement thereof.

Off came my pants. It's cold mind you, and I'm tearing off my pants and polypro underwear as quickly as I can. By this time other members of my fire team were standing next to me, my clothes scattered everywhere, looking at me like I'm on crack. I grab my dick, gazed at it in total terror, and almost fainted.

Right there on the head of my penis was a fire ant, clamped down with all his might.

I have to give him credit though, amidst all the commotion and flailing around, he stood his ground, firmly attached to the tip of my noodle.

I promptly picked the ant off my cock, and had to actually pull it off much as one pulls off a tick. I pressed my fingers together and squished that little mother fucker and cussed his entire species as I did it, all the while my junk hanging in the cold wind.

Naturally, I was forced to explain why I was acting like a crazed maniac in the middle of an exercise, but I did receive compassion from all those around as they walked back to their business, each one of them with a bit more respect for the vile little creatures.

I pray no one else has to experience such a hellish thing, but if you do, there's at least one other person out there who knows what it's like.