by Frank Rodgers

A couple of years ago, the national guard unit I was in went to annual training down in the south. I was a dismount machine gunner and my squad were part of an OPFOR effort training some active duty units for deployments overseas.

We were using M-113 APCs, and our track number was E-69, or "echo" 69 for you non-military peoples. Anyway, we were designated E-69 because of the profuse amount of porn we kept inside our APC. We were labeled the "porn" squad, and our theme porn star was Jenna Jameson, mostly because of a centerfold from one of our smut mags was taped on the engine cover inside the troop bay with 100 MPH tape. Towels, lube, you name it...we had it.

One night during a bit of down time, my friend--who is Mexican--and I are sitting in the dark with a flashlight shining up onto the top hatch to spread light around so we can read our smut. We're going back and forth about Asian girls versus Latino girls, big plush asses or little athletic asses, and even what brand of condoms we like best.

Mid sentence he freezes. He twitched a little bit and had the oddest look on his face, sort of like an alien was going to pop out of stomach, but without the fear aspect.

Naturally I said something obnoxious and started giving him shit and then he suddenly, I shit you not, started flopping around like a fish out of water. He started swearing in English, Spanish, and some fucked up hissing language. I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or help. Then he stopped for a second, and started giggling like a little girl, then started flopping around again.

"There's something in my ear, dude, get the fucking medic!!"

Now he's giggling and screaming at the same time. I go get the medic, and the other guys in the squad who were playing cards start taking note of what's going on as well.

The medic shows up, and my buddy has tears in his eyes from giggling. The medic sits down next to him, and shines a light in there, and I’ll be goddamned if he didn’t have a tiny moth in his ear. It had flown right in and was small enough that it could still move, so it's wings going back and forth. It was tickling the inside of his ear and that was what was driving him crazy.

It literally took four of us to hold him down, and he'd apologize for squirming until the moth decided it was going to move around again. Instant giggling and excited movement followed immediately. He literally could not stop squirming when the thing was flapping.

"Dude, I think I'm gonna catch a nut." he said.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This is turning me on dude, my ears are sensitive and shit." he replied, in true inner city Mexican fashion.

"If you fucking nut, you will never live this down. THINK OF FAT GIRLS. FAT GIRLS PLAYING BASEBALL."

"Oh shit! Oh shit! I'm gonna nut!"

Thank god the medic removed the moth before he came.

Of course, after the hubbub had calmed down, he snuck off behind the APC and finished himself off.