by Satan's Little Helper

Awhile ago, I was dating a little blonde gal. She was one of those "I can do anything despite my small size, including kick your ass" kind of women. She was fairly intelligent, attractive, but had a bit of a chip on her shoulder.

We went out a couple times, had an ok time, but nothing to write home about. I was beginning to think she was a few rounds shy of a full magazine, but I decided I give her a little more time and a few feet more rope to hang herself with before I told her to fuck off because she was pretty hot.

I left work early to squeeze in an extra daylight hour or two, and on my way to the range she called. Naturally she asked what I was doing, so I told her I was going to the range. Instantly she asked to go along, and started talking shit about how good a shot she was and how many rounds she'd fired in the past.

I'm a military qualified marksmanship instructor, which means jack shit for the most part, but I figured what the hell. If I can teach privates how to shoot, giving pointers to the blonde chick should reap excellent benefits. So I swing by her apartment and pick her up.

We get to the range and set up a couple of targets. I loaded up a magazine and punched the center out of the paper at 10 yards to warm up a bit. I loaded up another magazine, and started to explain how my HK pistol worked.

The fucking bitch got offended. "I know how to shoot," she barked at me.

I was taken completely off guard by this, and I wasn't talking down to her either. I was simply explaining that the pistol has no safety, and the lever on the left side is simply a decocker. Despite her poor attitude I reinforced the two most important rules about firearms:

1. Don't point at anything you aren't willing to kill.
2. Don't put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to fire.

She got an attitude about that too! By this time I was getting a little pissed off,

"Look, I don't want to get shot and you don't want to get shot. By taking a second to be safe about this guarantees that we'll both leave this range with no more holes in us than when we got here."

I guess understanding my intent made her feel a little more secure, but now I was questioning her shit talking and stories because she sure as well wasn't handling the pistol like a pro.

She sets up and cuts one loose. It's hard not to hit the target at 10 yards, and her first round hit just left of center mass. The following shot group looked like a shotgun blast at best, with several rounds straying off the paper. That's a very typical for a first time shooter. They put the first one right in the sweet spot, while the rest go all over the place because they are anticipating the recoil of the weapon.

"Your pistol doesn't shoot straight," she tells me.

"WHAT?" I freaked the fuck out. "This is an HK USP, it's impossible for it not to shoot straight. That's like saying a Ferrari can't drive fast."

She comes back with, "Well I guess I'm just used to other pistols."

I just laughed a bit and loaded her another magazine. I told her to relax and to not anticipate the muzzle flip. She slapped the magazine in, drew back the slide, and chambered another round. She locked into her infinitely fucked up stance, and squeezed one off.

If a little old lady was behind the target, she MIGHT have scared her.

I'm looking downrange, waiting for the second shot, but none followed. Simultaneously I asked, "Did you have a malfunction?" as I turned my head towards her to see what the hell was going on.

At that point, it became like slow motion.

As I turned my head, I was looking straight down the barrel of my pistol. The sun was at my back, in the west, and light was going down the barrel so I could see rifling twist all the way back to the chamber. Inside the chamber I could see a copper jacketed bullet. I really don't like looking down the barrel of a pistol. I especially don't like looking down the barrel of my own pistol with live ammo and a crazy, unprofessional shooter with her finger on the trigger.

Apparently she had gotten something in her eye. She was committing both cardinal sins, not only was the pistol pointing at me, but the hammer was cocked and her FUCKING FINGER WAS ON THE TRIGGER. The fingers on her other hand were rubbing her other eye.

I exploded into action. My left hand cleared the muzzle towards downrange and away from my body. My right arm came over and down onto the top of the weapon. I didn't mean to, but I forearmed her across the face.

In the middle of this entire process, the stupid little bitch squeezed off a round.

BANG!

After my right arm nearly took her face off, I dropped the magazine, yanked the pistol out of her hands, and disassembled the pistol in record breaking time.

She stood there with this "deer in the headlights" look on her face.

"Uh, sorry," she said.

"SORRY! FUCKING SORRY! You god damned near shot me!" I yelled at her. By this time a crowd started forming nearby and all firing on the range had stopped.

I picked up all my stuff, crammed it into my shooting bag, and told her it was time to leave. I didn't say a fucking word to her as I drove her back to her place, and haven't spoken to her since.

The most fucking frightening thing is that SHE wants to be a police officer.