by Frank Rodgers

I am at a wedding for a friend of mine, who was also in the Army. I didn't stand in it, so I only wore my Class A's. After the wedding and the reception, a bunch of us decided to go bar-hopping and keep having a good time. We went to a bar called "Lipstick's II" that was on the verge of being a dive bar. you know the type... it used to be a bumpin' place at one time, and then went downhill.

So, enter ten Soldiers, all dressed up. It's like the parting of the Red Sea. You see all the hot broads there, and they're ogling you and your uniform... and their boyfriends are all glaring at you 'cause their women are ogling you. I dunno what the deal with boyfriends is... it's not like we went in there with the intent of taking some girl away from her man. We just wanted beer and nice scenery.

Riiiiiiight.

We're hanging out and a bachelorette party is there. They all slosh up to us and start doing the "Ooooo... you guys are so HOT in your uniforms... " and trying to get us to fucking dance with them or something.

One guy in our group, I'll call him Loopis (he's like that kid in Bad News Bears, Timmy Loopis, who always stood out in right field and never said anything... EXACTLY like him), is the guy who ALWAYS goes for the nasty girls. He's a great wingman because he doesn't actually think that the ugly girl is hideous. He sees their inner beauty (or he's too drunk to care).

Anyhow, Loopis heads straight for the sulkiest, ugliest, fattest girl in the bachelorette party and starts hitting on her. It's like a light switch gets thrown. She's all of a sudden happy, dancing, gyrating her fat hips around Loopis' body... we're talking the FORBIDDEN DANCE here...

The DJ calls for body shots. I guess body shots are code words for "Death in a bottle" because that's what it was. It was like they wanted to see who could go into shock to the beat of whatever techno-ditty they had blaring form their Harmon-Kardon speakers. The gauntlet was thrown... "WHO CAN DO SHOTS THE LONGEST!!!"

Hey, I'm a hairy-chested Ranger... I'm your guy. (cue Rocky music here)

It seems the name of the game is this: you lay your head back on the bar, and the bartender pours some concoction into your open mouth, and keeps pouring until you either drown and go to hell, or stop drinking and fall over. So, I lay backwards and they begin to pour. Sour. It's like a lemon tree is taking a shit in my mouth. My whole body wants to pucker up. You couldn't shove a 10-penny nail up my ass I was puckered so tight. But I held on. I kept drinking, and kept drinking, and finally couldn't take it anymore. They CALLED the drink a Kamikaze. It TASTED like liquid allum.

So Loopis steps up. He's shithoused, and he's gonna need the free booze to slay the hairy Yetti beast he's chosen to copulate with. He lays back and they pour.

And pour

And pour

And pour

And run out. They ran out of the whole fucking bottle. Loopis is screaming for more. They're trying to make more quickly, and then decide that he's won. He gets up cross-eyed, and staggers over to the juggernaut that cheered him on. He latches onto her and they start licking the back of each other's throats.

I wander off looking for women, and don't search long when a gorgeous redhead comes walking up to me. [Sidenote. I LOVE Redheads. I love them. If you have red hair, there's a 99.9% chance that I will fall in love with you.] She looks at me and says "So do I get to try on your jacket or what?"

In my alcoholic haze my Id, my alter ego, the inner me who is responsible for most evenings of fun and happiness, is telling me to go for it. Actually, the Id is screaming at me from inside... rattling on my ribage and thumping me in the brain going "SHE'S A REDHEAD... GIVE HER YOUR JACKET!!!"

So I did. She's modeling it, and walking around in it. Oh God she looked great. Perfect body, tight ass, just the right size boobs.

I love redheads, did I mention that?

She comes back, gives me my jacket back and buys me a drink. then another, then another. She then asks me what I'm doing there. I tell her I was in a wedding, and I'm just having a good time while I'm in town (I was staying at a nearby hotel, and I have to fly back to Georgia in a couple days). Long story short, she tells me that uniforms absolutely turn her on, and she's always wanted to be naked in a Class-A jacket, with nothing else... and be fucked like there's no tomorrow.

God? Allah? Yahweh? THANK YOU!!!!

Okay, you know how my night ended up. For you morons who need shit spelled out, the night resulted in one of my Top 5 most incredible sexual encounters ever. It was awesome.

But I know the rest of you are asking "Hey man, what about Loopis? What happened to him?"

Heh heh heh.... Ha ha ha ha ha.... HAAAA HAAA HAA HAAAA HAAAAAA (this is supposed to be an Evil laugh...)

Loopis. Poor dumb Loopis. Loopis hooked up with a Lebanese girl who had only one eyebrow. See, he'd tried to hook up with the original Yetti beast, and got duped BIG TIME when he went down on her and she bled all over him. Oh yuck...this is gross. She gave him a blowjob in his car. She was wearing a skirt. He still has the blood-stain on his seat from where she was kneeling (he was in a Suburban). He hadn't noticed it, and when he went down on her, got a mouthful of the red stuff. When he flipped out she said "Oh, I guess I started my period today..."

So, thoroughly disgusted, he went back in the bar and managed to attract some Lebanese girl with one eyebrow. The best part of the night was seeing him in his chair, look of pure ecstasy on his face, while this girl gave him a handjob under the table. It was like seeing a dog hump your leg. They have that dopey look about them.

The rest of the guys? Well, 4 of the 5 of us got some sort of sexual activity. The 5th guy didn't only because he was so drunk he got whisky-dick and his girl got all pissed at him. We wound up making him rde home with Loopis, and he was the one who found the bloodstain.

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