by Frank Rodgers

Rangers are ugly sumbitches. By admission, I know I'm ugly, and I know that MOST folks who serve in Special Operations are less than model perfect. Conversely though, our women are HOT. The typical Ranger girlfriend is in great shape, is the kind of girl who turns heads by EVERYONE wherever she goes, and is usually totally devoted to their boyfriend/husband. For the first year or two at least. Then the relationships go sour 'cause they get pissed that we're gone all the time.

A buddy of mine was married to one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. Sadly, they're divorced now, but at the time they were married, they were perfect. She was a smart, outgoing college graduate who had her degree in Human Resources, and he was a Team Leader on one of the Ranger Fire Teams that I worked with. He got to Battalion about the same time I did, and we both grew up there. I'll call him "Stack."

Stack's wife was great, as I've already told you. She was faithful too, and Stack was faithful to her as well, even when he'd go to Pattaya Beach with us while we got blowjobs from the whores, or while we picked up [random girl] from [random military town]. Her being faithful didn't stop folks from hitting on her though, and she was gracious enough to turn them down, and still make 'em feel good. I'm telling you, she was every guy's vision of the nearest-perfect girl out there.

She didn't work, because she was trying to get a job and in the interim still ran the household duties. She was at home one day and the doorbell rang. She opened the door to a decent looking, if not redneck-ish, guy in his mid-20s who asked her if she'd seen his dog. She said no (note: she had the main door open, and the screen door shut and locked, as always) and that if she saw the dog she'd call him, as I'm sure the dog's info was on its' tags. The guy persisted that maybe she could go with him and help look, and she politely declined, and made an excuse to go inside.

The next day, the same dude shows up. Same thing: lost his dog, needs help. Stack's wife again declines and suggests he call animal control. At this point, the guy says to her "You got a KILLER body. Whoever is giving you the dick is a lucky man." Not exactly Don Juan, but I guess in redneck parlance, it was a money line. Stack's wife smiled, informed him that her husband enjoyed her company, and shut the door after telling the guy thanks but no thanks.

Next day, same thing, except, the guy is bringing flowers. He's trying to thank her for being so gracious, and trying to get her to open the door to take the flowers. (I know some of you are reading this and going "Don't open the DOOR bitch, he's a freak/rapist/psycho/whatever), so I'll just skip the fluff and say that NO, she didn't open the door.

She finally tells Stack. Stack, normally unflappable, tells me and a few other guys. Nothing big, just random talk over coffee after morning PT. It seems the guy in question is a trucker who isn't truckin at the moment. Pure Georgia male. Stack says, between putting his Copenhagen in and searching for a spitter, that if this guy keeps coming back, he's gonna find out where he lives and ask him to stop coming by the house. Whatever, we go about our day.

The dude comes back. He's asking Stack's wife if she'll let him use her phone. Stack's wife is no dummy, so of course not. She tells him that she's not comfortable with him being on the property anymore, and would he please just leave her alone. The guy agrees, and leaves after blowing her a kiss. He leaves a pouch of Red Man on the porch. Why? It's got his phone number on it. Real suave there Mr. GQ.

Stack asks our Platoon leader for the day off. He's gonna sit home and wait for this joker to come by so he can confront him. Said joker does indeed come by, and Stack comes walking out the door, asking him what the deal is. He tells the guy that he's not allowed to come on the property. The guy explains that all he wants is to repay Stack's wife's kindness. Stack tells the guy thanks, but no thanks. The guy kinda gets shitty with Stack.

"Come on man, qewit hoggin tha wealth. Let me in on somma dat.”

No shit, the guy actually said that. He inferred that since Stack had access to (and I quote) "That quality pussy all the time", then Stack should understand when other men are turned on by Mrs. Stack.

Stack says bye. See ya. The guy stands there indignant, and Stack gives him an ultimatum that was to alter the course of our weekend:

"If you don't stop bothering my wife, I'm going to call the police, and you're going to go to jail. UNTIL the police get there though, you are going to be put through the wringer."

The guy spits out a few expletives and leaves. The next day, we were prepping for a deployment. We were leaving the following Monday, and would be gone for almost 3 months. Stack is a bit concerned for his wife's safety.

It turns out for good reason. The idiot came BACK to Stack's house, trying to apologize to his wife, saying if she'd just sit and have coffee with him, he'd never bother them again.

Stack decides this has to end before he leaves on deployment, and sits down with us and plans out an attack strategy. Stack's wife got the guy's address, by promising to come visit him the next day. The idiot not only gave her his address, he gave her his name, birthdate, cross-streets, phone number, and work number. Thanks dumbass.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Every single one of us in both Teams, more than 12 men, decide to end this bullshit. We threw on our "Go to War" shit, without guns or anything, and got on the 'net to get this clown's address. The directions take us to a trailer park in Columbus, right off-post.

Picture all of us in dark kit, faces blacked-out, friggin whisper-mikes, NODs (night vision goggles), and flex-cuffs. Picture us with a huge-ass black GMC truck with plenty of torque, a shitload of chains, and a full tank of gas.

We went to this guy's house, and parked a half mile away. We had the guy with the truck creep in and park across the street in the vacant lot. The group of us crept up outside this guy's house, attached chains to his front door, and at the "go" signal, the truck gunned it. The intent was to rip the door off the hinges.

Whoops. A little more than the door came off.

The wall came off too, as did half the kitchen. 5 guys went inside in a stack (we didn't have weapons, but we still went in like we did), and carried this fool and his Dad out of the trailer. We flex-cuffed them, and Stack proceeded to beat the shit out of the guy. His Dad kept crying the whole time, but we didn't touch him. The guy, however, got the ever-living PISS beat out of him. He lost teeth, he lost skin, he had bones broken--he had a bad night. It was controlled but overwhelming violence in the span of less than 5 minutes, and then we faded away and got the fuck out of there.

Someone called the cops after we left, and they showed up to find two guys flexed cuffed amidst the debris of a trailer, one of them moaning and bleeding all over his "yard."

But not only that, it turns out that this guy had over 30 marijuana plants in his room, and since the front of the trailer had been ripped off and they were in plain sight, the cops busted him and his old man.

The guy went to jail for a looooong time, and nothing ever happened to Stack, his wife, or any of us.