by Frank Rodgers

So we're at Ft. Benning. My friend has a buddy who was in the National Guard, and was Deploying to Bosnia. Back in 96-97, they had all the Deployable folks from the National Guard sent to Ft. benning's Harmony Church area, where they lived in Barracks, and got their Pre-deployment routine out of the way before going overseas.

Harmony Church is an interesting place. It's made up for WWII barracks, and is also right up the road from the Ranger Training Brigade area. They have their own little PX, and there is a Chow Hall that is open at 0200 for anyone who is coming or going at that time of night. For us it was this side of heaven, since everyone knows the best thing in the world is your own personal diner at 0-dark-30 when you're shitfaced.

It seems Rangers have an interesting reputation. Folks want to see if we're going to jump out of a tree and eat a live snake or something, or get drunk and climb a building and piss over the side. I don't know where they get these far-fetched notions, but I can assure you that we are the bastions of gentlemanly conduct. Uh huh.

Anyhow, there were about 15 of us from 3d Battalion. There was a Volleyball net set up in the smoke pit (an aside: the "Smoke Pit" is something that ANYONE who has undergone Basic Training can remember. Especially at Ft. Benning. The Pit is the site of the most sadistic tortures that a Drill Sergeant can think up. Many a recruit has left his share of blood on those sawdusted or mulched floors.) Volleyball? Sweet. Ranger Volleyball it is.

We get set up, and start playing. While drinking. Heavily. We had dispatched 2 Cherries to the PX with a fistfull of cash with orders to "Bring back booze. Any booze." They took us literally, and cleaned out the little Ranger PX. They came back in 2 cabs, alcohol SPILLING out the back, with these happy faces. I about blew a load, I was so happy with my little Cherries.

There is a person who will forever go down in Ranger lore who was there that night. For certain reasons, I'll dub him "Ranger Chaos" and the name is aptly given. Ranger Chaos is about 30 years old, is always the first in on the runs and the best at PT, and doesn't work out at all. He was blessed with a perfect metabolism and rock hard chiseled body worthy of a Greek sculpter. He is also Irish. And loud. And an amazingly functional alcoholic. Ranger Chaos used to do PT runs with us and run backwards in front of we lesser mortals while spitting copenhagen juice at our feet to trip us up. Annoying? Yes. Fun? Absolutely.

Ranger Chaos is also a horny motherfucker. It seems his good looks and Irish humor coupled with an alcohol-aided quick wit has landed him many an unsuspecting young lass, much to her chagrin later on. This night in particular, Ranger Chaos was in full form.

During our Volleyball game, we are alternately spiking the ball and spiking shots and beers. The team opposite us is made up of a National Guard Infantry unit who is getting more and more annoyed with our immature antics. Seems three of the players are semi-pro and want us to "Take the game seriously." Fuck you charlie. We're here, we're drunk, we're playing. After the 5th spike by Ranger Chaos in which he is also spitting copenhagen on the opposite team, they wise up to the fact that we're playing out game Ranger-style, and it's better to give in than try and make us conform.

On the sidelines is an older man who is making faces at us as if he had a lemon shoved up his ass. Occasionally, he would shake his fist at us and mutter to himself that we were bad influences on "his" soldiers. As it turns out, he was a Full-bird Colonel, and the Commander of that specific unit that was deploying. It seems this Colonel also had family members in his unit too, but we didn't meet them until later. (File this under "Obvious foreshadowing") Colonel hard-ass finally gets pissed at Ranger Chaos, calls time out, and strides out onto the pit to give Chaos a tounge-lashing he'll not soon forget. As he starts to lay into Ranger Chaos, telling him that he is making an ass of himself, and that if things don't improve, Chaos' boss will be called, the rest of us form a semi-circle around the angry Colonel and watch curiously.

Ranger Chaos grins, shrugs his shoulders, spits a King Kong sized gush of Cope-juice on the ground and says "Shit Sir, we're not in uniform, and we're having a good time tonight. Why don't you waddle back over to your side and let us play in peace. I promise we won't hurt your little Girl Scouts." With that, he turns around and the game resumes.

Strike One.

After the game (which lasted 2 hours) we send the same 2 Cherries back out for more Alcohol. We had consumed most of the previous store, and they were forced to head to the main Class Six (military-speak for Liquor Store) and replenish our supplies. They come back with 2 more Cabs, filled with alcohol, and we unload it. By this time, there are close to 70 people outside. They are all deeply impressed with the amount of alcohol we had imbibed, and we were sharing with everyone else. Hey, I've deployed, and I know what it's like the preceeding days. You want to have fun with your American brothers, so we were giving them one hell of a sendoff.

Colonel Doofus comes waddling back over to us and informs us that we've had enough to drink, and it was getting close to bed time. Bedtime? It's only 12am. On a friday. We had no duty the next day. Besides, this turd wasn't OUR Commander, so fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Ranger Chaos, ever the diplomat, pops the top off a Red Stripe and thrusts it into Colonel Doofus' hand with the admonition "Here you go Sir. This'll take the shithead out of you."

Strike Two

The Volleyball game over, we all settle in and hang out with the rest of the soldiers. They all ask us about life as Rangers, and we ask them about Life as Civilian/Soldiers. There are other units there, and there was a Finance unit from Iowa I think, that was chock-FULL of beautiful women. Women in uniform. Women who liked Rangers. Are you following me yet? Rangers+alcohol+hot women = bullshit long-woinded stories aimed at getting us laid. I am chatting up a nice 19 year old lass with beautiful Red hair, and have her absolutely convinced that I am Bruce Willis in a uniform. Okay, maybe not, but I was drunk too, and it seemed like she was into me. In my pursuit of Sexual Intercourse I have lost track of anyone else with me, Ranger Chaos included. The cute young lass with me informs me that she is indeed sex-starved, and I appear to be the main course. One problem: where do we go? I can't take her to my barracks, women aren't allowed and I don't want to leave the party. I'd go with her into the woods (I'm so romantic), but she's scared of Bigfoot or something, and so we have to settle with fumbling around in the bathroom of the girls' barracks.

In the midst of the greatest blowjob I had received in my young life (at the time I was 19 and hadn't had too many forays into the world of cunningulus) I hear a scream. The scream is quickly followed with shrieks of laughter and an angry voice. Uh oh. Where's Ranger Chaos? I'd only been in Battalion a year but I knew enough that this type of controlled confusion was typically centered around him. Pulling myself away from the cute young thing who also wanted to investigate, I run outside to a throng of people standing around the barracks next door. It seems Ranger Chaos is on TOP of the baracks with a young girl and was in the midst of humping her doggy-style on the roof. They were spotted by someone who had thrown the volleyball up there accidentally, and the whole group had found them out.

Strike Three... you're out.

Colonel Dickhead has an anurysm. He is running around in circles flapping his arms and choking down bile and words alternately, while sweating profusely. he ORDERS Ranger Chaos to get off the Barracks, informs him that he will be given an Article 15 (punishment that can result in severe penalties, if not the removal of a Ranger from the Battalion) and so on. Ranger Chaos looks down and tells him to "FUCK OFF" loudly enough that folks who were sleeping 4 miles down the road could hear.

Okay. Damage Control mode kicking in. Ranger in trouble. Pissed off Colonel. How can we get out of this... and how can we get out of THERE. I come sprinting over to the group and run in front of the angry Colonel and start trying to diffuse the situation as fast as I can. I am explaining to him that Ranger Chaos is well within his legal right to engage in sexual activity with whomever he wishes as long as they are not more than 2 ranks below. Colonel Shithead looks at me with this incredulous look on his face and asks me my rank. I inform him I am a Specialist (E-4). He starts screaming at me that SSG Chaos is taking advantage of a female Specialist, and he will be punished. I ask the colonel to walk with me as the rest of the group of Rangers tries to get Ranger Chaos off the building.

I tell the Colonel that Ranger Chaos is one of the best Rangers I've ever worked with, and that he has transformed me from a helpless kid into a badass Ranger, and that I consider him to be like a big brother. I am pleading with the Colonel to reconsider, and promise to keep Ranger Chaos under control for the duration of the night. Seems Colonel shithead is placated, and he chews my ass out severely for not "watching" Ranger Chaos and putting the soldiers there in jeopardy. I've had enough ass-chewings in my life, so I can stand one more. He rants and raves, screams and shouts, but in the end Ranger Chaos is saved.

Fast forward to the end of the night. We all run to the Chow Hall that opened up. Minus Ranger Chaos who decided to crash in my car. After an incredible meal of omelettes, hash browns, toast, sausage, biscuits and gravy, and coffee, we go out to police up the rest of our group and go home for the night. Thing is, when we get to my car, Ranger Chaos is nowhere to be found. This isn't good.

We search high and low. We're looking everywhere. All other soldiers (including my honey) are sleeping in their barracks, so it's just us Rangers at 0300 trying to find our little lost lamb. Finally, one of us thinks to look IN the barracks, since he's obviously not anywhere else out there. After another Ranger looks inside the barracks, he comes out terror-stricken and tells me "I think you'd better go in there and get him." Oh shit.

I go inside. Upstairs, and into the Bay area. The bay is a huge floor with bunk beds, and wall lockers. Everyone sleeps there. I hear snoring and giggling, and I look in and see, on the top bunk of one of the beds... Ranger Chaos and the girl. They're fucking. On the bunk right next to theirs I spy a familiar shape, and see a familiar pair of glasses. Hanging up I see a crisp set of BDU's (camouflage uniform) with Colonel's Rank on them. The Colonel is fast-asleep on the bunk, and here Ranger Chaos is happily fucking away like an 18 year old at Prom.

Stealth is now required. I go in and whisper to Chaos that he needs to stop. now. And come with me. He declines and continues, and his fuckee is moaning happily. I run back outside and let the rest of the guys know, and we think up a plan to get him out. The following description is absolutely true, and I swear on my honor that it went like this:

We start our cars, and pull them right in front of the barracks. Ranger Demo (another friend aptly named) has 4 flashbang grenades in his car that he "found" after a recent live-fire exercise. We come up with a quick plan and execute. 4 of us go in and grab Ranger Chaos. We pin his arms behind his back and duct-tape them together. He starts swearing and yelling. The Colonel starts to wake up. now it's time for confusion and a quick exfil... Ranger Demo pulls the pin on the flashbang and tosses it in the middle of the room....

*BOOOOOM* 1 million candle power and an ear-splitting roar ensue. We are dragging Ranger Chaos down the steps, and Demo throws another flashbang... it goes off, and the unit upstairs is thoroughly disoriented enough that we hit our cars and speed off into the night.

The next day the entire group of us were summoned down in front of the Battalion Command Sergeant Major. It turns out the room that Chaos was in was the Officer's room... made up of 3 Full-Bird Colonels, 4 Lieutenant Colonels, and about 10 Majors and Captains, with a smattering of Lieutenants. They are shit hot at us, and several phone calls were made. Since they didn't actually SEE us doing anything there (the flashbangs did a great job of ensuring chaos) we couldn't be charged with anything. However, that was the last time any Rangers were ever allowed to hang out at the Harmony Church area with units that were deploying overseas.